File #: ADF-20
Danger Class: Ira
Obscurity Class: Hexa
Current Whereabouts: I've duct-taped the umbrella shut and put it in a box labeled 'DO NOT OPEN'. The box is sitting in my closet, gathering dust. I’m starting to think of burning it, but I’m keeping it for science. Now, I should give it to the police because it is technically a piece of evidence in someone’s death, but they never asked for it.
Description: As advertised on TV, an umbrella company a merchant-esque company called "Milson's Merchants," that is unable to be located again, sells an umbrella of their own design. This umbrella is called the Umbrella 2.0, said to keep what's under it as dry as bone. The only known Umbrella 2.0 is a black collapsible umbrella, and it is doubtful that there are others there was only one Umbrella 2.0 ever made. When the umbrella is opened, it has a cylindrical area of effect from the top of the umbrella down to the handle. When water from organic or non-organic matter is introduced into the area of effect, it is anomalously evaporated after exactly 7.27 seconds. Collected samples of this water show it to be pure H2O with no contaminants. When the umbrella is closed, it is not anomalous and remains a normal umbrella.
->Enter Research Logs
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->Access Granted
-> Log 1 - Discovery
So, this umbrella just killed my friend. Clearly, there's something weird with it, so I’m making it my duty to figure out what's up with it. I should probably introduce myself. I’m Silver ███████████, and I do autopsies of dead people for the police and sometimes the government too. This umbrella just sucked all of the water out of my poor friend Lily. She was only 24… Sorry, I need to remain professional. The place where my friend was found was a few steps away from the front of our apartment building. She was frozen in motion, still holding the umbrella above her. The umbrella she borrowed from me. The very umbrella that I bought after seeing that commercial1… Sorry, I’m getting sidetracked again. I saw all the flashing lights and sirens outside my apartment’s window, then I saw Lily’s form. I had rushed downstairs and probably sprained my ankle in the process. The ground around her feet was only slightly wet, but the rest of her body was pretty much flash-mummified. Her upper body was devoid of any and all forms of water but her lower half still had some. I saw a policeman trying to take the umbrella from Lily’s hand. I watched as the man’s hand, then his arm, shriveled up like a raisin, causing him to cry out in pain and shock.
 |
| The raisin-like arm of that poor policeman |
I didn’t know what happened, but I knew the damned umbrella had something to do with it. I asked to do the autopsy on Lily’s body. I couldn't even cut her flesh with the scalpel, seeing as it was almost rock solid. The same was with all of her organs. Her blood vessels were shrunken, and all her blood was dried up like some kind of chili flakes for cannibals. Oh god, I feel sick just thinking about this…
-> Log 2 - Area Of Effect
So far, I know there's a limited area of effect for this stupid odd umbrella. Using the assumption that it makes all water affected disappear, I am going to be using water to find the area of effect.
Sideways
I put the umbrella on my driveway, open. I took a few bottles of water and dumped them all over the umbrella and the surrounding area. The water made the umbrella and the ground wet, but the water quickly evaporated, leaving a somewhat rectangular shape around the umbrella that was dry. The rectangle went from around the top of the umbrella to the bottom of the handle. The width was the diameter of the umbrella’s top. I suspect that the area of effect is cylindrical, probably from the top of the umbrella to the bottom of the handle. I need to time how long the evaporation takes.
Standing
I fashioned a sort of stand for the umbrella with hooks and a system to lift and lower it. I decided to not touch the umbrella to avoid losing my arm like the policeman, so I resorted to using one of those long plastic grabbers. I positioned the umbrella so that it stood upright with its handle on the floor. Then, I took more water and poured it onto and around the umbrella. This time, I started a stopwatch when I poured the water. According to the stopwatch, it took roughly 7.27 seconds for the water to dry up. This time, there was a circle of dry ground, roughly the circumference of the umbrella’s top. My speculation has been proven correct, the area of effect is cylindrical.
-> Log 3 - Replication Of Event-0
Event-0 is what I’ve named the whole mess that got my friend killed and took that policeman's arm off. I’m pretty confident that the godforsaken weird umbrella works by taking any and all forms of water out of its area of effect. Based on the policeman’s shriveled arm, I think that only what is actually in the area of effect gets its water removed. I have yet to find out where that water goes. So, to replicate Event-0, I’ll need to use something with water in it. I also find myself wanting to use something alive to see if anything different happens. For my living test subjects, it would be very bad if I used humans, so I’ll be using some mice from the pet store. I’ve gotten my hands on a watermelon for the non-living test subject.
Non-Living
I put the umbrella back on the stand because it worked last time. Then I took the watermelon and set it down, half of it in the area of effect. 7.27 seconds passed, and the affected half of the watermelon shriveled up, all traces of water gone from the affected half. Uh do I need to say anything else? Oh wait, yeah I do. The unaffected half of the watermelon remains normal, and it tastes fine. However, I will note that the unaffected half is still drier than it should be, so I guess the umbrella affects the whole item, but on a much lower scale.
Poor Mice
I made little wire cages of sorts to put the mice in that hold them still. I know, a bit odd, but it's just part of the process. So, I held one of the mice in the wire cage and held it halfway into the area of effect. I forgot to mention that I marked the area with some tape, so I don't accidentally lose a limb. Anyway, like clockwork, the affected half of the mouse got all raisin-ed after 7.27 seconds. Thankfully, I held the mouse’s head into the area of effect, so it wasn't in pain… I think. But unfortunately for the other mice, I’ll have to see if they can live if the other half of it is affected.
I took another mouse and held the back half of it into the area of effect and it was squeaking its lungs out as its back half got flash-mummified. I took it out of the cage and set it down, watching as it tried to drag itself around using its front two legs, but its back half was too heavy. Next up is seeing if the mice sense anything wrong I guess…
I made a cardboard circle around the umbrella’s area of effect and set the mouse in there. It ran around for the last few seconds of its miserable life before the umbrella mummified it. It was perfectly frozen in motion… just like Lily. The mouse didn’t really panic or try to run, not like it could actually get out of the area of effect anyway. I remade the cardboard circle, but bigger, so that the next mouse could stay out of the area of effect if it wanted to. I set another mouse in the circle and watched as it just ran around, not seeming to be bothered at all. It died shortly afterwards, also frozen in motion. I guess animals don’t sense anything wrong. Time to dispose of these dead mice. And the still living one…
-> Log 4 - The Matter Of Matter
Where does all this water go, you may ask. Well ask no further, because I just found out. After taking a cup of water, placing it under the umbrella, and enclosing the umbrella and cup of water in a plastic box, I found that the umbrella THAT CAME FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL ITSELF doesn’t make the water disappear, it just gets evaporated and the vapor is moved outside of the area of effect. I assume that the umbrella has a sort of anomalous field around it that moves the water away and makes it so water is unable to condense on it.
I collected some of the condensed water and put it under a microscope. To my shock, the water was devoid of all contaminants. The umbrella purified the water better than most water purifiers out there. I could use it for camping or something… no, that's too risky.
